Calories? and exercising?

its been a while since i last posted so i will quickly bring you up to date with my progress and lack thereof.

weekends are this horrible pit of food. i have all this time and all this food to spend it with. last weekend was no exception and the delicious food flowed in abundance. actually it wasn't really that great of a selection. i simply ate all that was in site. sunday evening, after a particularly odious day of food consumption, i decided to step on a scale. i took a deep breath as i noted how far the dial jumped. of the fifty pounds i had lost....fifteen came back. at first i tried to play it off as a comliment to myself, imagining that the fat was so unhappy to be gone from me that it had to return. then i realized something must be done!

moday evening i did a little research and by this i of course do mean googling and binging. i found a website that created a personal calorie plan for you. i punched in my age, weight, height and activity level. after it calculated my daily calorie allotment, i saw that there were more options available. it would formulate a plan for maintenance, weight loss or extreme weight loss. i selected extreme because i always overdo all things. once i had been thoroughly depressed by the shockingly low allotment i saw yet another option called calorie staggering. i selected this as well. it made a new plan where i could have a different number of calories every day. it seemed nice. until tuesday. tuesday, i all but fasted. i was hungry all day. the small meals made me almost weep but i didn't have the strength. then wednesday was a feast from start to finish.

you must understand i do exaggerate. tuesday was not all so bad and wednesday did in fact become my new favorite day of the week. this calorie staggering seems to be legitimate so i will give it the fair chance it is due.

in addition to this, i have started my "alp training." this is when i will not repeat the seventh grade and be the fattest kid at camp who huffed and puffed at the back. i WILL be fit enough to hike an Alp when i am in germany this winter! i have started a "training program" which translates to building up endurance by walking more and more every day. it has gone fairly well and my shinsplints are not actually killing me.

exercise...oh dear.

i learned in biology that Michael Phelps has a huge advantage over other swimmers. one reason is his body type. he has short legs and a very long torso along with long arms. i am built much the same way. Michael Phelps also produces less lactic acid or something like that so he doesn't get sore or tired from exercise to the extent normal people do. seeing as we are practically the same and whatnot, i thought maybe i might be able to endure large quantities of hardcore physical exertion and be none the worse for wear. how little i knew. how little i knew.

i had spent an entire four days celebrating my birthday. thursday with family, friday with one group of friends, saturday with yet another and then sunday by treating myself to a day of enjoyment. naturally, all of these festivities involved copious amounts of food. so as monday rolled around, i felt compelled to eat right and do a bit of exercise to appease the gods of guilt.

i began by plugging into my new iPod and briskly walking through the woods behind my house. after the first couple hills, i was starting to feel the burn in my legs but it was miniscule and my breathing was only somewhat ragged. at the bottom of a particularly vile hill, having gained considerable momentum, i proceeded to break into a brisk jog. i was forced to use one hand to hold up my now falling sweatpants as i puffed up the next hill. it wasn't so bad. i was breathing heavy but it wasnt that atrocious. i tuned into Matt Costa who was singing me into distraction. after only a short spurt of my jogging, i began to feel the effects. it wasn't killing me just yet. but still. i had to stop ahead at a creek that impeded my flight path. so i began to slow down, when i stopped at the creek a bus hit me.

i was dead. i could barely step across the creek. my breath was trying to murder me for being so viciously cruel. my legs wobbled and wept bitterly, trying to guilt trip me for what i'd done to them. my heart was trying to burst my eardrums and my organs were commencing a riot. i tremulously started walking again, only half the man i once was. the fast paced music seemed to mock my weakness and insufficient pace. i finished out the time i had set ( a tragically short amount which i am unwilling disclose) and crashed on the sofa in a heap of sweat and tears. a shell of the person i started out as.